If you’re a heterosexual woman, chances are you’ve thought the second half of this quote at some point (there’s a fair chance you think it regularly). “I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!” It’s a quote that makes you laugh on the surface and weep pathetically on the inside as you ponder the reality of your own failed existence. Do you ever wonder exactly how you went from a kid with potential and dreams and spirit and soul to an office drone or retail slave working overtime to pay off what ended up being a completely pointless degree? You obviously fucked up somewhere along the line. I bet you this self-pity spiral is familiar. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat – it’s all been wrong.” My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life has been wrong. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. I was personable, I was bright…oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. “Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. Beyond that, the monologue pretty much encapsulates the thoughts of any anxious person in times of stress. From the panicked attempts to calm herself down to her contemplation of people’s inexplicable and unfortunate reluctance to use deodorant, she nails what it’s like to be stuck claustrophobically on the buckling, lousy public transport system. No, it’s not nothing, it’s something! It’s a nightmare! HELP ME!”Įlaine’s internal rant when stuck on a delayed subway train is possibly the best thing that’s ever aired on television, and every train commuter (in Australia, at least) has felt her pain. What would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. Think about people in concentration camps, what they went through. Okay, take it easy, it’ll start moving soon. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a cage. What’s that? I feel something rubbing against me. Doesn’t anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on.
God it’s so crowded, how could there be so many people? This guy really smells. Probably rats on the track, they’re stopping for rats. Okay, take it easy, I’m sure it’s nothing. If only people who were getting broken up with could have his steely realist vision. George has saved us all a lot of time by laying it out like it is. That way, your heartbroken ex can stop deluding themselves that you’re just going through a complicated messy deep period and you’re still perfect for each other and will end up together in the end. “You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me’! No one tells me it’s them. And I delight in posting this quote on people’s Facebook timelines as my happy birthday message. Seinfeld’s just pretending to be dour, but the quote stands. It might say something about me that just thinking about this scene forces me to hold back laughter. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end – inevitably, irrevocably. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it’s not to be. “Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year’s gone by and how little we’ve grown. There’s a part of you that believes you’ll die with dignity… but maybe that isn’t going to happen and you’ll go down kicking and screaming with as much resistance and cowardice as possible – I’m confident I will (thanks Louis CK, I kind of borrowed/stole that sentence structure from you).ģ. I’ve lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?” I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. It sums up human relationships in a few lines (well, except for the ‘functional, reciprocal, healthy relationship’, which people keep telling me is a thing. Part of the genius of it is in George’s intonation. My all-time favourite quote from the show. Why can’t I act with the ones I like the way I do with the ones I don’t like?” “Ahh, what’s the point? When I like them, they don’t like me, when they like me I don’t like them. Consult the show to see how things turn out (Hint: not well. Here are ten quotes that will hopefully convince you that the Seinfeld writers already canvassed your life problems. For those of you who are less fanatical about it than I am (which is a bit disappointing, as an aside), you might not realize that it serves as an incredibly accurate blueprint of human behavior.
Seinfeld is, of course, the best show of all time (to quote Poppy, quite fittingly, “On this issue there’s no debate!”).
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